But Then, Goodbyes Aren’t Simple

Dear Emma,

Oh, screw simple goodbyes.

Yeah, I definitely can’t leave without rambling one last time. I really don’t think I would be able to do it, and I’m pretty sure you are all used to it by now.

I have been wrestling with this decision all summer, because I was really proud of this blog and most of the things that I’ve created. I’ve spent a year and a half making posts and gathering followers and I’ve really really enjoyed every minute. I just didn’t want to throw it away.

The reason I’m choosing to stop this blog is simple: I don’t feel happy with my blog anymore. I feel too much pressure in what I’m posting, I feel like it’s too open and I can’t be honest. I’ve also unintentionally managed to create my blog around someone else – trust me, the amount of time I’ve been called Emma is unreal. I know that sounds really petty but I would really like to build my own identity.

I’ve met some amazing amazing new friends and genuinely lovely people; this community is a pretty special place here on the internet. I won’t mention many names but I really have made a friend for life in Elm. We’ve been friends for almost two years now and I’ve enjoyed every second. I could say so much about so many specific people because you have all been lovely, but I can’t say some and not others. Everyone here is so friendly, welcoming and damn talented.

Which is why I know I couldn’t leave completely.

Yes, I’m leaving Letters to Emma, but I will be starting another, brand-new blog, probably sometime soon, and that blog will be the one where I can finally talk about what want to talk about, rather than what I think I should talk about.

I am scared, because I will be completely starting again, and who knows how much of a success this new blog will be. I sure as hell don’t.

I won’t be posting the link or URL to my new blog here, because I really am starting again, but I will be telling my blogging friends, and if you are here on WordPress and you know me, I’m sure our paths will be crossing again sooner than you think.

However, if you do see me and think that I’m me, (sorry for the terrible English), please don’t just come out and say it – I do want this anonymity to last for a short while at least. You can message me and ask, but don’t leave it anywhere where everyone can see it.

I just want to say a massive thank you to all of you who are reading this right now, and thank you to all the people who have read, commented on or favourited my posts over the years. You are all such incredibly incredibly lovely people, and I am honoured that you took time out of your lives to read my ramblings on a blog in a small corner of the internet.

It’s weird. I started this blog as a girl of fourteen, not really sure how the world works and a mediocre writer of stories and blog posts.

Now I’m sixteen, I know a little bit more about how the world works, and I’d like to think that my writing skills have improved.

I’m at a new house, heading into a new chapter of my life, and I will always remember this blog as my first, regardless of what else I do in my life. I’ll miss you, everyone. It’s been fun.

Tara, did you really split your goodbye post into two parts just so your post total could reach 100 before you left?

Yes, yes I did.

 

Love from,
Tara

XXX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Simple Goodbye

Dear Emma,

So, I guess this is it. I’ve decided to stop writing this blog. I’m keeping this goodbye short and sweet, because I’m effectively just coming back to shut things down and then I’ll be gone. In case you haven’t noticed, my return from hiatus wasn’t the most successful thing in the world. Or successful at all.

I’ve enjoyed this so so much, but now this doesn’t really feel right, not like it used to. There’s too much pressure, and I couldn’t do what I really wanted to.

I just want to say thank you, thank you to everyone who supported me in any way. It’s been amazing.

Love from,
Tara

XXX

 

 

 

 

Long Time, No See

Dear Emma,

Wow, it’s been a long time since I wrote those words. What is it, almost three months? That’s definitely way too long.

I’m slightly scared, to be honest, because I’ve basically forgotten what it’s like to blog, and I honestly feel like I’m starting again. Obviously that’s not true, because I still (hopefully) have all of you guys who’ve followed me, but I’m still vaguely intimidated. Especially seeing as I managed to somehow get more than 200 followers during my period of hiatus – thank you guys so much for that – which means that for a lot of you, this is the first time you’re reading a post I’ve written since you followed me.
So the pressure’s on for me.

I’m also slightly concerned about how easy it was for me to go on such a long hiatus; I remember when Elm and I planned our exam hiatus together, but then she lasted about two, three weeks – correct me if I’m wrong – but then I managed to stop for almost three months? And throughout that time, I grew quite unattached to my blog.

I’m not sure why or if I even wanted to, I just don’t think it’s the kind of blog I’d like to have right now. It just doesn’t seem right, and I’ll probably try to figure out what’s missing as best I can. I really don’t want to give up on this blog, because I’m still proud of a lot of my posts, and I definitely like my other blog, because it’s focused on one of my passions.

But I’m also pretty sure that all these doubts have come into my head over the past few months because I’ve forgotten what it’s like to continue blogging, so I’m not going to listen to them and just try to get back into posting regularly and connecting with the community like I used to.

Re-reading my old posts, even the ones from a few months ago, is really strange. I feel like I’ve changed a lot, and to be fair, a lot has happened in my life which I’ll have to talk about at some point soon.

But, I’m back to stay, for now at least.

How have you guys been doing? I’ve really missed the community and I promise I’ll be more active from now on.

Love from,
Tara

XXX

I Tried, I Really Did

Dear Emma, 

I’m back! Did you miss me? 

Probably not, because my so-called “hiatus” lasted the exact same amount of time that I normally leave between posts, so it probably felt like nothing.

I did try to stay on hiatus, I really did. I kept telling myself, “You have exams in nine days that you need to study for, there’s no time to blog.”

Obviously that failed. I can’t not blog, it’s been a year. I’m used to it. 

Besides, it’s my last week in school this year, and it’s kinda freaking me out.

Like, I’m giving up Maths. Maths. A subject I have studied since I was literally four years old, and I’m not going to be doing it anymore.

Also, a lot of people will be leaving this week, and I’m singing in the leaving assembly, and…

There are a lot of things happening this week. A lot of changes.

And then my exams start! Yay…

Anyway, I hope you guys are having a great day, and maybe my hiatus will actually happen by the time my exams actually start.

Love from,

Tara

XXX

Sadly, I Don’t Have a Life

Dear Emma, 

So I was attempting to find something interesting about my life to write about this week, but I actually couldn’t. 

There are about three weeks till exams start, so I pretty much don’t have a life at the moment. 

As I have probably said about a thousand times, I am so incredibly excited for summer. 

It kinda almost dispels the fear I’ve got for exams. 

Nope, not really. 

HOWEVER, I have heard that they are apparently opening a Disneyland in Britain, so I am very excited for that. 

Hope you guys are having an amazing week! 

Love from,

Tara

XXX

Almost

Dear Emma,

Sorry guys, I haven’t had time to write anything today. Although to be fair I’ve spent the past eight hours travelling in and out of London to go to a concert.

Also it’s my birthday, so I shall write the story for tomorrow, I promise 🙂

Love from,

Tara

XXX

The Calm Before the Storm

Dear Emma,

So this week marked the glorious week where ALL my coursework was finished for EVERY subject, which is quite possibly the best thing to happen all year. 

I finally can focus on my exams, and nothing else. 

There’s an odd feeling of calm now, but I am aware that it’s just going to get more and more hectic from here on in.

But it’s nice to have some breathing time.

Also, I made a post on This and That this week, if you want to check that out! 

Love from,

Tara

XXX

I Sing Like A Potato

Dear Emma,

Ugh. I feel so terrible about myself, and I don’t understand it.

Now, not to boast, but my singing voice is one of the things that I truly take pride in. I love singing, it’s one of my passions, and I would like to think that it’s one of the things I’m actually good at. There aren’t many, but I think that’s one of them.

Now yesterday I found some random audio mixing software on my laptop and I was playing around with singing and guitar-ing and harmonising and I did it for at least a solid hour until I was happy with what I had produced.

Today, I listened to it, and… well, I’m not going to say too much about it.

It really saddened me all day, because I thought I was actually okay, and it sounded terrible. I know that this seriously sounds like I’m whining, and I’m really sorry for whining.

It’s completely shattered my confidence. I was actually considering posting (yeah, shocking I know) what I recorded, but now I’m definitely not so sure. It’s one of the worst feelings to feel terrible about something that I considered myself vaguely above averagely good at.

It has actually made me feel terrible for a while, and it’s not just the singing. I’ve realised that there literally isn’t anything that I’m above averagely good at. I go through life being good-ish at everything (except sports and attractiveness) which means that I can do everything, but I never do anything amazingly. People do call that “being a good all-rounder” but I would rather have something that I was amazing at and sacrifice other things.

 

Look, I even made a graph. This is what people normally achieve in life, and I would genuinely prefer that. I wish I had some kind of talent, I really do.

Graph.png

I hate it. I feel like there’s nothing that makes me special.

Love from,

XXX

P.S. On a brighter note, something exciting is happening this week 😉

400 Characters

Dear Emma,

So today was the last day of my school holidays. Sometimes I am actually excited to go back to school, but today is not one of those days.

Last term was pretty hectic, and I know that it’s going to get worse from here on in. This week was a nice break. In an ideal world it would go on forever, and then I can avoid my responsibilities for a while.

Sadly, that can’t happen. I’ve spent most of the week relaxing and seeing friends and… yeah that’s basically all I’ve done. So of course I left all my homework to the last minute, and I’ve been doing that for the past five hours.

And that “homework” also included writing my entry for the yearbook. I don’t know how you guys organise/organised your yearbooks but at my school we all have computer logins that we can use to upload pictures and writing.

The deadline is tomorrow, so me and my friends have spent today figuring out what the hell we’re  supposed to write.

Thing is, there’s a 400 character limit. It’s kinda hard to summarise nearly five years of memories into 400 characters. 

It made me realise that so much has happened that I physically can’t narrow it down. Categories like “favourite memory” and “most embarrassing moment” are really, really specific. 

There are so many things I could write in every category. Especially the embarrassing moments one…moving on. But I can’t pick a favourite, and I don’t think I ever will. 

Anyway,  I hope everyone had a good holiday and good luck for school 🙂 

By the way, something exciting is happening next week 😉

Love from,

XXX

 

 

Shattered

Dear Emma,

I’m so so tired. This week has been more exhausting than any week has been for me in a long time. I don’t even think I was this tired when I had my mocks. I’ve been up till gone midnight every night this week because I had three massive pieces of coursework due in this week that I had to finish.

My teachers started to comment on how I was falling behind in their lessons, and I know I was, because I was prioritising this coursework over all of my other homework. Thankfully they were all okay with me saying I’ll catch it up after this week but they know I’m not normally like that. know I’m not normally like that.

Tonight I came home after work and just stopped. I’m looking at the clock now and it’s 10pm. I came home at 6, and I haven’t done anything since. I physically didn’t have the energy to. I just sat on my bed and vaguely watched TV but mainly I just stopped. I don’t even remember the time going by, I was so tired that I just couldn’t do anything.

It wasn’t even relaxing, I’m too exhausted to feel anything. And I have a lot of work to catch up on tomorrow.

Well, that’s a slight lie.

My feeling of being alone has started to creep up on me again, tonight more than ever. My sister has been incredibly social at the moment with all her friends outside of school, which has kinda increased that mood a lot. I just don’t feel…right. I haven’t for a long time.

If you’re reading this and you know me in real life, I’m sorry, I’m not trying to offend you or say you’re rubbish friends, because you’re not. I just don’t think this feeling of loneliness will ever go away at the moment.

It goes away and then comes back, but even when it goes away it’s still there in the back of my mind because I always think I’m bothering people, I’m interfering with their lives, they don’t want me around. Whenever I have a conversation with someone I’m scared that they’re realising that they don’t want to be around me anymore.

It’s solidified because a lot of the time now I feel out of place with my own friends, the people I trust most. I just feel like if they had to choose someone to cut out of their lives, it would be me they would sacrifice every time.

But I have to accept that, because I know that they all have people that mean more to them than I do, and that’s not going to change. I mean I’ve spent my whole life being second-best, why should it change now? I guess I’m used to not being special.

Do I try too hard? That’s my biggest worry. I always feel like the people I talk to are only talking to me to be polite and because they feel like they have to. I just have this thing in my brain that they think I’m too clingy, or talkative. I just don’t know.

I know I should be happy with what I have, and on some level, I am. I just know that this horrible jealous selfish feeling won’t go away for a long while.

Sorry for rambling, but it helps to get this off my chest.

Love from,

XXX